Want to have kids? Here are some of the ways your life will never be the same again. If this doesn't sound scary, you may actually be sort of ready.
Everyone has already told you that you barely sleep after the arrival of a baby. But do you have any idea what that really means? It’s a far cry from the couple of all-nighters you pulled in university, after which you inevitably slept for a week straight. We’re talking about a lack of sleep that drives you clinically insane. If your month-old baby is having digestive problems, you may not sleep more than 30 minutes in a row all night. An hour, if you hit the jackpot. Try to imagine your mental state after doing that day after day after day after day...
Your family has told you not to worry, they'll set you up with everything necessary and you'll hardly have to buy anything. BALONEY. Here's what will happen — everyone will buy you onesies, undoubtedly several sizes too small, or record-breaking useless objects. Like a washcloth-warming machine. You do not need a washcloth-warming machine. What you do need is a crib, a stroller, and a car seat, and guess who will have to buy them? No comment.
When you become a parent, your relationship with human excrement evolves to a higher level. For simplicity's sake, let's leave puke out of this discussion. Just get used to having feces all over you. Eventually, this won’t even irritate you. And it doesn't just magically stop happening after the first few months; you've got at least... oh, let's say... another 20 years or so. Just disinfect yourself and get used to it.
Things aren't so bad with a newborn, other than formula, which is inexplicably expensive. But babies become teenagers, and teenagers do two things: eat and sleep. They wake up in the middle of the night and eat the leftovers that were supposed to be your lunch. The next day, the only available option is a tuna sandwich with no mayo. Every week, count on spending about $300 on food.
Does your one-bedroom condo, close to everything, have a special place in your heart? Enjoy it while it lasts, because you'll have to move. The baby can stay in your room for the early stages, but where will you put all the clutter once the baby’s two years old? In the garage of your new, massively mortgaged house in the suburbs, right beside the minivan.
''Don't buy ANY clothes, we've got all Gerald's old clothes in bags in the basement, ready for you.'' Editor's note: Gerald is now 37 years old. You do not want to get stuck with worn-out snap-up pyjamas that unsnap during the night and cause your baby to wake up shrieking because his toe is caught in a lower-body snap hole... I guess you just had to be there. Quality PJs with zipper? Minimum $20 each.
You will be on first-name basis with the emergency room nursing staff. Here are some of the ailments that will have to be dealt with: ear infection, flu, ear infection, forehead wound, pneumonia, ear infection, asthma, stomach flu, ear infection, ear tubes. Personally, you will come down with everything that is contagious. And by the way, start saving your money for hospital parking lots and cafeteria mashed potatoes. They're not cheap.
The craziest part? When your baby is finally celebrating their first birthday, tries to blow out their candle, and smears chocolate cake all over their face... all you will be thinking about is how you want another one. Even though your baby may put you through hell, you will never be able to get over those pudgy cheeks and that sweet smell. You'll feel like a bona fide hero when you take care of their injuries. And the first time they say ''mama'' or ''dada'' with that heart-shaped drooly mouth? Indescribable.
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